Welcome To Stormy Weather: Liar, Liar, World on Fire.

I spent a good few years of my life with a liar that I believe to be pathological. (For the sake of privacy, we’ll call him Joe.) If you’ve ever spent much time with a liar of such a magnitude, you know that the experience can be confusing, infuriating, and draining, to say they very least. During my time with this individual, I tried to correct the dishonesty and build a sense of integrity. Unfortunately, no matter what I did, the honesty never improved for long at all before I was uncovering yet another harmful lie.

When I officially distanced myself from Joe, I did some minimal research on the topic of lying. Not only were my findings shocking, but they shed some much needed light on my perspective.

Everybody lies. Every person on this planet has or will make an untrue statement for one reason or another. That's just a simple fact and it’s old news. In some cases, a lie can be a safe benefit for everyone involved. We fib for a wide range of reasons, from avoiding offense to personal gain.

“Yes, I did like your blog post.”

“Dinner was great, Mom.”

“That shirt does not look like the underside of a pig’s belly.”

But what about those who lie for absolutely no reason at all? What about the people who are consistently dishonest? I don't know about you, but dishonesty has and always will be one of my biggest pet peeves. In fact, to label it as a pet peeve is an understatement. Not only is a blatant lack of integrity frustrating, but it's incredibly confusing as well. Have you ever thought to yourself,

“Why would anyone lie about something so meaningless?”

I'm sure we all have, and it's a very good question.

One of the telltale signs of a pathological liar is lying without motive or reason. Lying has become so incredibly habitual for them that they find discomfort in speaking the vulnerable truth. Often times, pathological liars will speak without even realizing their dishonesty. Even when stone cold proof is laid out right before their eyes, they will still deny having lied. Notice their refined acting skills in the form of shock, confusion, or innocence. Why do they seem so perplexed when they’re caught in a fib so obvious?
Because they are perplexed. Because the accuser is speaking against their reality – or lack thereof.

It is an incredible phenomena to know someone who lives in their very own reality, isn’t it? To a pathological liar, they are nothing short of honest. They are whatever they pretend to be, and that’s that. When you confront them about a lie that they told, you’re painting them in such a way that makes no sense. They truly believe that they would never be so dishonest. They are trustworthy, admirable, respectable people with concrete integrity.

How Dare You.

A glorified and jaded concept of oneself is exactly why pathological liars react so vehemently when confronted. They are quick to snap when someone accuses them of lying, especially if they are perfectly aware of having done it. They are likely to retaliate with anger, insults, and may even try to blame you for their behavior.
And can you blame them? They’ve put so much work and energy into weaving an impressive, gleaming web of dishonesty and here YOU are, walking right into it and trying to smack it away. Not only is that totally rude, but it’s very likely that you’re exemplifying the very person that has caused them to build a false reality. Who’s responsible for leaving behind such mental wreckage, you ask?

Daddy Issues?

Researchers have been studying this idea for over a century ever since the German physician, Anton Delbruck, noticed that some of his patients told lies that were so abnormal and meaningless, they deserved their very own category. Even so, nobody can point a finger of blame with any credible confidence. How could they? How can anyone study this illness when the subjects will lie about anything, from their favorite color to their father? We’ll have to base our personal studies on the pathological liars that we know.

With my newfound interest in this sickness, I’ve often wondered why Joe is the way that he is. It’s a serious conundrum. What in God’s good name happened to you, Joe!? What force has the capability to obstruct a mental well-being so drastically? When I compare Joe to the other assumed pathological liars I know or have heard/read about, there is one blinding similarity that connects all of them:

The way they talk about their fathers.

They were never good enough. They had to compete for their father’s attention. They never felt that their father loved them.

In two entirely separate cases, alcoholism was a noticeable mention in their upbringing.

It’s hard to deliver this assumption, because it could have very well been formed on false evidence, but it would make sense that the father figure is to blame, as the term Daddy Issues - a stereotypical explanation for unstable behavior - exists for a reason. After a childhood of vying for their father’s love, seeking approval, and trying to impress, it’s understandable that a habit was formed and solidified, like the drying of poured cement. Not only did daddy leave behind a habitually ill mindset, but he also permanently stamped it with his hand print. Who will approve of them, if not their father? Who will love them? Who will they impress?

Image from

https://sarahhollinger.wordpress.com/2011/08/

It’s a very sad concept, especially now that I am a mother. I imagine a young Joe. A sweet, happy, satisfied little boy. He was once like my daughter; untainted and pure. Somewhere along the way, his mind was corrupted.

I think it is important to understand and keep in mind that these individuals cannot control their dishonesty. For them, it’s not just a bad behavior.

It’s a Mental Illness.

If you think that you’re currently dealing with a pathological liar after reading this post, you might be wondering what you can do to help them. Unfortunately, correcting sheer dishonesty is not often accomplished. Just like many other mental illnesses, pathological lying was derived from the weight of trauma. An event or series of events that their brain could not handle. Their mind concocted detrimental coping methods, and that is not easily cured. From what I’ve found on the web, therapy is just about the only effective solution. Even then, the chances of a complete turnaround are slim.

As I mentioned above, I tried. For too long, I tried, but I didn’t know that I was trying to correct an error in the mind.

In the beginning, I wrote off Joe’s dishonesty as no big deal because it was obvious that he was dealing with a whole lot of insecurities. I made it clear that he didn’t have to spin fantastical tails for people to like him. I spent months attempting to build his self-esteem by coddling his insecurities and his ego, but when there was no noticeable success, the lies began to shock and frustrate me.
I began treating his dishonesty like I would treat a child’s bad behavior. I scolded him, I limited contact, and I expressed my disappointment and my lack of trust in his words. Just like a child placed in time out, Joe would throw a wild fit each time I “disciplined” his unacceptable behavior. He would shout, insult, incorporate more lies to justify his first, and would attempt to turn things around on me. He would tell me he HAD to lie because of something I said or did. He would guilt me for investigating the facts that he told me. He would accuse me of being paranoid, emotional, or crazy.
Near the end, my last resort was therapy, as it was blatantly obvious that Joe’s problem was beyond any help that I tried to offer. After a long exhausting battle, he finally agreed to see a professional together, because he thought I needed to be treated for my “emotional paranoia” just as bad as he needed to be treated for his alleged dishonesty. Despite the conditions, I agreed with delight. Finally.
After all that you’ve read so far about why they lie, what outcome would you expect from taking a pathological liar to discuss his complete lack of integrity with a professional? Once the door was sealed and you were both seated in big comfortable chairs across the coffee table from an old dude in reading glasses, would you expect honesty? If I would have known then what I know now, I would not have wasted my time. It was truly a jaw-dropping experience, to watch Joe lie to the therapist with an impressive amount of skill and precision. I remember looking from Joe to the professional over and over again, wondering if I really was crazy, emotional, and paranoid after all. I began to second guess my own sanity. Knowing a pathological liar will do that to you. A pathological liar can do a lot to you.

If you are woven into the life of a pathological liar, it’s important to keep in mind that this really is an illness. Their lies are no reflection of their feelings towards you, but are a compilation of their own self-worth. They are not plotting to hurt you. They are sick. They are without a cure, without an explanation, and without a self-awareness. It’s heart-breaking.

Their dishonesty is rarely intentional and just like a child, they are unable to consider the consequences that will undoubtedly come from their tales. They will find themselves in difficult, concerning, harmful situations as a result of their lies. They will be alienated by those who were once good friends. They will cause serious damage to their relationships and build thick barriers between them and their loved ones. Pathological liars can’t help but to live complicated, stressful, upsetting lives.

But you can.

Just because we ought to be empathetic of this mental illness, does not mean that we have to welcome it into our lives. A close relationship with someone who lies compulsively – romantic or otherwise – is treacherous terrain. My own experience with such an individual left my life in ruins. After I resurfaced from the deep, black waters of loving a pathological liar, I discovered that I was not the only one that struggled to plant my feet on solid land again. I joined my close family members and mutual friends on the shore, where they showed me the new vacancy in their wallets, the cracks in their romantic relationships, and handed me buckets of resentment for bringing such destruction into their lives.

Pathological Lying is a sickness that hurts everyone involved. Tread carefully and remember that it’s not your fault. Have you had any wild experiences with a pathological liar? Have you formed a different theory on the cause of this illness? I would love to read your comments below. With such a mind-boggling concept, there's so much information to learn and share.