10 Awesome Steps to Total Awesomeness!

I know that with the fluctuating trends in today's society, it can be hard to keep up with all the hot clothing, juicy celebrity gossip, and greatest new diet plans. The struggle almost isn't worth the bragging rights! Fear not, for I have conducted heavy research on the top 10 awesome ways to be awesome at all times. If you live by these golden rules, you'll never be out of the loop! Let's get started!

1. Damage Your Body!

First step to being totally hip is to damage your body in any way possible. The style of fair, flawless skin and natural beauty is OUT and harming your body is IN! You can achieve the ultimate trendy look by,

• Inking your skin! Forget the pain, the expense of hundreds of dollars, and the ever lasting permanence of tattoos; they look cool! People of all ages are getting tattoos for any reason these days, and it is awesome. From Chinese characters to the classic chest piece declaring “ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME”, tats can be a great way to express yourself or add sentimentality to your very own skin. Don't you hate when a loved one dies and you forget that they ever existed? Problem solved! If you really love your grandmother, Rose, but you're afraid you're going to forget her when she kicks the bucket, get a rose on your right butt cheek! You'll never forget that wonderful woman. Plus, I'll bet Rose will look down from her seat in heaven and be absolutely honored by your inky tribute.
• Fry your skin! Tanning beds, prolonged exposure to sunlight, there are so many easy ways to obliterate your skin! Tanning can cause skin cancer, but that's a small formality when you're the darkest of all your friends! If you're not into the natural tan, tanning cream will do! Just make sure you get the right color; shoot for Oompa Loompa Orange.
• If you're really awesome, you can let a surgeon cut you open and alter you're entire appearance! Bigger boobs, smaller nose, less fat, it's all incredible!
• If you'd rather start small, you can fry your hair with a damaging mix of chemicals! Dark or light, anything other than your natural color is awesome. You can also cake your face with makeup, makeup, and more makeup until you're utterly unrecognizable! Clogged pores and dry skin is a problem for the older you!

 

2. Denounce Religion!

Perhaps the second trendiest thing around is to denounce organized religion! Specific morals and standards? Who likes those? Not today's generation of hip hipsters! If you're actively involved in an organized religion with core values such as integrity, compassion, forgiveness, and service to others, then you're doing it all wrong! These days, it's all about the freedom of self-spirituality! Do what you want, when you want, and chose to ignore any ultimate consequences that may follow! As long as you're in tune with your spiritual self, we praise you.
In fact, if you'd like to go the extra mile, you can publicly ridicule a church of your choice and it's members! Don't let others find solace in their own beliefs; they're just being lame. Find those heart-warming religious posts on Facebook and assert yourself with an argument backed by “science”, astronomy, and if you're feeling really awesome, be sure to use unbelievably long, pretentious words while you're quoting your Wikipedia bible myth discoveries. It will definitely make you seem wise and it'll confuse your victim.

**Extra Tip: I've found that only the coolest people are criticizing the LDS church. Out of all the organized religions, that one is really fun and easy to nail. You can join the other awesome holy-bashers on their credible websites like, mormonsarehorriblepeople.com, wehatechristians.net, and thebibleisahoax.org. Good luck!

 

3. POOP!

You know what's awesome? POOP. Everyone who's anyone loves POOP. In case you're not hip enough to know this, POOP is a league of extraordinary awesomeness! It stands for, Politically Offending Other People. What's greater than political debates that nobody asked for? The hippest of the hip find their outlet in social networks like Facebook and Twitter. Dump your political views on anyone that will listen and be sure to slam the opposing party while you're at it. It doesn't matter if your arguments have yet to change the minds of others! Keep posting, keep spewing! It's up to The Extraordinary League of POOP to inform everyone else that they are wrong.
If you want to join POOP, but you don't know a thing about politics, don't sweat it! Very few members of the POOP society actually know what they're talking about! 'Thumbs up'

 

4. Live Like You're Rich!

From lavish mansions to Buckle jeans, the truly trendy have been living outside their means for decades. This golden rule is real simple to follow: if you can't afford it, BUY IT. Have you heard of credit cards? They're the best thing since tanning beds! Walk into a bank and leave with a little plastic card worth thousands of dollars! Boats, antique furniture, electronics, and absurdly priced clothing. Anything that you can get your hands on with that credit card is super cool.
What's that, you say? What about the debt? Ha ha ha! That's a problem for your children when you're dead. When it comes to money, awesome people really don't have to take responsibility for any of it!
 
 
 

 
5. Pimp Your Vehicle!
I really love this one. The first step is to purchase a vehicle that you can't really afford, of course. Once you've got your shiny new cruiser, pimp it out with glittering rims, offensive bumper stickers, and naked lady decals! If you really want to seem awesome, get a gigantic truck that barely fits in a lane, hang those metal testicles from the hitch, and slap a giant blue star on the back window! The best part about having a vehicle this awesome is that you're instantly king of the road! Don't worry about the other cars that surround you; that black stretch of asphalt is your kingdom and you're entitled to drive your tank with no regard for another living soul! King of the Asphalt! No . . . that's too long. King of the Ass! Ass king! Hm . . . .
Oh! How about this:

ASS!

It has a nice ring to it, don't you think?

6. Defy Nature's Laws of Reproduction!

Now, I can't go into too much detail on this particular golden rule. There are too many extremely awesome people that will just get too excited!
It goes without saying that the homosexual republic are without a doubt, the trendiest people around. From middle school to protests at Chic-Fil-A, homosexuality is crushing the competing heterosexual traditions.
What's not awesome about this crowd? For one thing, they are the ever loved under dog of the century, they dress to kill, and those women never have to touch another “one eyed snake” again.
 
 

7. Worship The Gods.

And by Gods, I mean celebrities. We all know that celebrities are ultimately better than us in every way, shape, and form. If you disagree, just think of it this way: in the last three seasons of Friends, Jennifer Aniston made an estimated 1 million dollars PER EPISODE. Now think about the paychecks given to our soldiers, policemen, firemen, and teachers. Isn't that awesome?
If you take a look at the USA's Debt Clock, we are currently in the hole by a whopping $16,787,451,118,147! I don't even know how to say that big of a number! If this country is in that much debt, but we're paying actors half of that amount annually, then the only reasonable explanation is that they are Gods.
Convinced? Great. You can worship these incredible celebs by monitoring their every move through our many invaluable resources of magazines, websites, and newscasts. If you ever meet a celebrity in person, you can show them the proper tribute by screaming, crying, letting them autograph any part of your body, and proposing marriage. Don't even think about addressing them like real human beings, because they are definitely not.
Some great celebs to worship are Brad Pitt, Nikki Minaj, or Beyonce. Oh, wait. No. Not Beyonce. Remember when those photos were released? The photos that displayed her natural beauty and weren't photo-shopped or edited in any way? Yeah. She's dead to us now.

 
 

8. Unleash Your Beasts.

Do you remember how awesome it was when children were polite, respectful, and obeyed their parents? Me neither! If you want to be awesome, you are in no way allowed to discipline or control your offspring. If you're not awesome, that might be hard for you to grasp, so I'll list some examples for children 10 years and younger.

• Shouting, hitting, or swearing at their parents is beautifully hip behavior.
• The street is for playtime. If you're a real awesome parent, you won't teach your children to stay in the yard or ride their bikes on the sidewalk. They need to be playing in the street, regardless of the flow of traffic in your neighborhood. It will teach your neighbors to drive safely and they will thank you for every heart-stopping moment that they almost hit your kid.
• R-Rated films, profanity, and vulgar language should be a staple in your parenting tool box. You want to start that stuff young. 

 

 

9. Support The Underdog.

It doesn't matter who it is, what they stand for, or whether or not you agree with their beliefs. Support the underdog. If you find a controversy, celebrity, or presidential candidate to be disliked by the majority of the population, show your unyielding support to the fullest. This is a great golden rule, because you can utilize it's effect in two ways! If a vast portion of society thinks anything to be honorable, enjoyable, or worth fighting for, be sure to criticize it, spread conspiracy theories, and protest against it. It's just the hippest thing to do these days!
You can start by showing your support by worshipping a few popular “underdog” celebrities like Miley Cyrus, Micheal Vick, and Obama! Your diversity will surely earn you the reputation of being hip and unique!

10. Your Hobby is Actually a Career!
One of the best things about being awesome is refusing to take up a traditional career! You can turn any hobby into a money making opportunity to avoid the daunting task of finding and establishing a real job! Making your own soaps and oils, fashioning beautiful jewelry, or simply selling makeup. The list of opportunities goes on and on! Do you like taking pictures? Get yourself a fancy camera and click! You're a professional photographer that specializes in train tracks and brides in the woods! Are you good at baking? Then you're probably the best at baking! Sell those decadent pastries for outlandish prices, and you've got yourself a business! Do you like to write? That's the easiest one! Quit your lame day job, start a blog, and you'll be making millions in no time because you're just so darn brilliant!
Whatever you do, be sure to plaster your excellence on social media so none of your friends miss out on your remarkable talent!

So there you have it! Follow these 10 golden rules and you're destined for awesomeness in an ever-changing society. If you're already living by most of these examples, then your hip pride may cause you to feel offended by this post. Don't be! It just means that you're totally awesome! Besides, I don't know a single person that isn't living by at least one of these awesome rules to awesomeness! How awesome are you? On a scale of 1-10 of the golden rules, I rank at a mere 4. I know what you're thinking: she's not very awesome. But I totally am! Don't you see? My million-dollar writing brilliance makes up for what I lack! :D